Dear,
I have elaborated a lot on this topic in my blog "Words into Silence".
First of all we have to realize that why do we always need a company of someone? what is it that we do to the company, and what is it that company does to us.
I am feeling lonely, and I get someone to be with. What will I do to that person? I will only use that person. I will use that person to fill my loneliness. That fellow will become a tool for me, a usable for me, a thing for me. And then if some other person can fill my loneliness better, then the other person would be better.
What is the purpose of this person’s presence in my life? What is the reason?
Why has this person come in my life? Because I was feeling lonely. So loneliness is important. The person is really not important. Do you get this? The person is just a means to some end. What is the end? Getting rid of loneliness. Now, will I give freedom to this person?
I use this person. When I use somebody, then can I give him freedom? No, because I am using it. Because I am dependent on it. When you are dependent on somebody, then the relationship can never have love. Because in dependence, in an environment of dependence, there can be no freedom.
The more you depend, the more dangerous you become for the person you are dependent on.
It was in Goa, and there were these life-guards. One of the life-guards was telling about their method of operations. He said, “We save people. But even in saving people, we apply discretion. If there is somebody who is in such a desperate, bad and hopeless condition that his mind has totally gone out, then sometimes we decide not to save him at all. We let him drown. Instead, we prefer to save somebody else.”
That sounded very strange. They were life-guards, and it was their duty, their work to save. Why were they not saving then? To this one of them said, “The one who becomes desperate, the one whose mind becomes totally captive to fear, will cling to the life-guard in such a way that even the life-guard will drown.”
If a fellow is drowning, and while drowning if he has become very afraid, and you give your hand to him, you give him a basic structure, he will not listen to you. Fear has made the mind go mad. The fellow will drown, and he will also take the life-guard along with him, because he has become totally dependent on the life-guard. He has seen that he is dying. So the moment he comes in contact with somebody, he takes the other fellow also with him.
This is what dependence does to you.
Loneliness means dependence on somebody else. I have been saying this fundamental thing since long. If you really want to have healthy and loving relationships, kindly put the dependence factor out of the relationship.
You cannot have a healthy relationship when two people miss each other in their loneliness, when two people are financially dependent on each other, or when one of them is dependent on the other one. Or when one person is dependent on the other for reasons of security. If one fellow is providing the basic security, then this is just a relationship of ‘give and take’. There cannot be any love in it. There would be fear in it, and there would be violence in it, but there would be nolove in it.
So instead of asking, “I am lonely, what to do?” see what happens when you get along with somebody because of loneliness. See whether you are doing justice to that person. And if that person is with you, is it not just out of a sense of mercy? The fellow may have a soft-heart. Do you want somebody’s mercy, or do you want that person’s love? What do you want?
Would you like it? I take pity on you in that case. Somebody comes and says to you, “You are pitiful,” versus, somebody comes and says, “You are lovely”, what would you prefer? Being pitiful or being lovely?
To go to somebody because you are feeling lonely, is to become pitiful. Do you want to be an object of pity? “I have nobody in my life. Please help me. You are my only savior. Please help me. Without you I will commit suicide. Please help me.” Do you really think all this is healthy?
Obviously, no. So pay attention to the relationship. When you see that a relationship born out of loneliness only causes suffering to all the people involved, then automatically your ways change. Realization is the biggest power.
Once you really understand, then the right action happens on its own. Realization is the biggest power. Pay attention to your relationships. See what is at work when you are with somebody. And then, whatever is rotten, will automatically stop, and drop. Clear?
RD
I have elaborated a lot on this topic in my blog "Words into Silence".
First of all we have to realize that why do we always need a company of someone? what is it that we do to the company, and what is it that company does to us.
I am feeling lonely, and I get someone to be with. What will I do to that person? I will only use that person. I will use that person to fill my loneliness. That fellow will become a tool for me, a usable for me, a thing for me. And then if some other person can fill my loneliness better, then the other person would be better.
What is the purpose of this person’s presence in my life? What is the reason?
Why has this person come in my life? Because I was feeling lonely. So loneliness is important. The person is really not important. Do you get this? The person is just a means to some end. What is the end? Getting rid of loneliness. Now, will I give freedom to this person?
I use this person. When I use somebody, then can I give him freedom? No, because I am using it. Because I am dependent on it. When you are dependent on somebody, then the relationship can never have love. Because in dependence, in an environment of dependence, there can be no freedom.
The more you depend, the more dangerous you become for the person you are dependent on.
It was in Goa, and there were these life-guards. One of the life-guards was telling about their method of operations. He said, “We save people. But even in saving people, we apply discretion. If there is somebody who is in such a desperate, bad and hopeless condition that his mind has totally gone out, then sometimes we decide not to save him at all. We let him drown. Instead, we prefer to save somebody else.”
That sounded very strange. They were life-guards, and it was their duty, their work to save. Why were they not saving then? To this one of them said, “The one who becomes desperate, the one whose mind becomes totally captive to fear, will cling to the life-guard in such a way that even the life-guard will drown.”
If a fellow is drowning, and while drowning if he has become very afraid, and you give your hand to him, you give him a basic structure, he will not listen to you. Fear has made the mind go mad. The fellow will drown, and he will also take the life-guard along with him, because he has become totally dependent on the life-guard. He has seen that he is dying. So the moment he comes in contact with somebody, he takes the other fellow also with him.
This is what dependence does to you.
Loneliness means dependence on somebody else. I have been saying this fundamental thing since long. If you really want to have healthy and loving relationships, kindly put the dependence factor out of the relationship.
You cannot have a healthy relationship when two people miss each other in their loneliness, when two people are financially dependent on each other, or when one of them is dependent on the other one. Or when one person is dependent on the other for reasons of security. If one fellow is providing the basic security, then this is just a relationship of ‘give and take’. There cannot be any love in it. There would be fear in it, and there would be violence in it, but there would be nolove in it.
So instead of asking, “I am lonely, what to do?” see what happens when you get along with somebody because of loneliness. See whether you are doing justice to that person. And if that person is with you, is it not just out of a sense of mercy? The fellow may have a soft-heart. Do you want somebody’s mercy, or do you want that person’s love? What do you want?
Would you like it? I take pity on you in that case. Somebody comes and says to you, “You are pitiful,” versus, somebody comes and says, “You are lovely”, what would you prefer? Being pitiful or being lovely?
To go to somebody because you are feeling lonely, is to become pitiful. Do you want to be an object of pity? “I have nobody in my life. Please help me. You are my only savior. Please help me. Without you I will commit suicide. Please help me.” Do you really think all this is healthy?
Obviously, no. So pay attention to the relationship. When you see that a relationship born out of loneliness only causes suffering to all the people involved, then automatically your ways change. Realization is the biggest power.
Once you really understand, then the right action happens on its own. Realization is the biggest power. Pay attention to your relationships. See what is at work when you are with somebody. And then, whatever is rotten, will automatically stop, and drop. Clear?
RD
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